Thursday, June 20, 2013

Finding My Way Back.....

Today is Thursday, June 20th and I am on a journey to rediscovering the things that I used to love.  In life we face many trials, obstacles, and losses and those things sometimes rob us of the things that bring us so much joy.  Two years ago I lost my Mother who had become my best friend and confidant.  She was "my person" (stolen from Meredith Grey and Christina from Grey's Anatomy) and when she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer, our lives changed.  We were in this together.  Losing her was by far the one 'last' thing that sent me over the edge and I "checked out."  I stopped caring about myself and the things that make me happy.  My temper and patience were on a short fuse.  My emotions were all over the place.  I was seeing myself say and do things and would say "is that really me?"  Truly having an out of body experience and for the first time I could understand what people meant when they said this.

I stopped taking care of myself physically.  I truly didn't care about anything anymore.  When my children were younger, I loved to cook.  I loved to try new spices and create new dishes.  My lineage is filled with women and men that were chefs and bakers.  My maternal grandmother was a chef and so I guess it is a part of my DNA.  After my divorce and other challenges, cooking no longer was fun for me.  I had begun teaching my children to cook when they were mature enough to be in the kitchen and handling the stove and utensils appropriately.  My older daughter "my person", was now responsible for all the meals in our home.  

Within the last 7 years, I may have cooked 5 or 6 times.  The last time I cooked was when my nephew moved into his first apartment and he wanted me to make my famous baked spaghetti dish for him; which I gladly did for him with love.  My joy was not back in full measure, but I was more than happy to do that for him.

I have been preparing to cook since Monday and today I just got up and did it!  I made a spaghetti dish using Morning Star Crumbles, mushrooms, sweet peppers, garlic, diced tomatoes, and 100% whole wheat pasta.  It was awesome!!! My Ipad was plugged in and my Mellow playlist was going, kitchen cleaned, dishwater in the sink, and I felt like myself again.  I cooked and cleaned simultaneously, which is how a real cook does it ;).

I wanted to cry and I still do.  For me this is a huge step in loving myself and the things that make me feel inner joy.  

~Nothing will work if you don't~Maya Angelou

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